costa rica trees

Merry Christmas Bitches!

Does that get you in the holiday spirit? Okay, maybe not so much…but it kind of sort of works for me! What can I say, I guess I am 20% “Grinch” and 80% Ho, Ho, Holy Shit let’s celebrate. Does that even make sense? I definitely wouldn’t call myself jolly…

When the Christmas season rolls around, I take my time getting into my so called “spirit”.  Of course I put up a Christmas tree (not until December) and a wreath, I give gifts and sometimes even make up a personalized Christmas card (okay I did that one year only) maybe I’m not as bad as I think I am? So why do I have this inner monologue saying “Siiiiilent… fuck this shit” or “Come all ye…never mind get away from me”?

Let’s face it, Christmas is hard! As much as it is a time of peace, happiness, family and friends. It is also a time of stress, sadness, anxiety and loneliness.  I know I am not alone in feeling this way. For me, it mostly has a lot to do with the fact that for over half of my life I have spent Christmas without my father. Going through Christmas without one of your parents is a tough one. It’s one of those things you never forget, you never get over and you dread experiencing year after year.

The first Christmas I had after he passed, is something that I somehow recall more easily than the ones before it. I remember my mom taking my sister and I to an event that discussed the holidays after the loss of a loved one. A woman in her mid 40s spoke to a relatively small group of us about grieving and coping and what to expect. At the time I remember thinking how dare she compare her situation to mine. It doesn’t match up, it isn’t the same. Now looking back, I realize that maybe the situation wasn’t the same but the feelings of hurt and pain were. At 15 years old, I couldn’t grasp at the reality of my family life with the changes we had succumbed to.

I am fortunate to have a lot of friends and family in my life, so a lonely Christmas is not one that I call my own. In fact, I have a hard time with managing my time to fit it all in really. But that doesn’t make up for the loss of some family members and friends does it? Some things just never seem the same again. The need to make new traditions stands still as I try and embrace the last strings of the old traditions that are left.

Whatever you gotta do to get through the holi-daze right? Sometimes that is what it feels like….a glazed over day of half smiles and hugs. Strong boozy coffees, warm fuzzy socks and three fingers of scotch. Okay maybe not the scotch part for me, but for some others I know…

There will be at least one Christmas day in my life, where I will be wiggling my toes on a hot white sandy beach. Bob Marley will be jamming, the ocean will be sparkling and my skin will be slathered with SPF 85 Hawaiian Tropic.

They say you can’t run away from reality, but wouldn’t it be nice?                                *Insert dramatic crying woman singing The Beach Boys here*  

One day….One day…

~peace, love & fresh breath

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